Anger – a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure or hostility.
– Embarrassment – broken expectations – betrayal – death – elders who aren’t trustworthy – heartache – broken promises
These are some reasons by which I have experienced anger. I once could scream out, at and for all the pain in my life. Let down after let down; even I let me down.
Why is my mother so overbearing? Why couldn’t my father get himself together? Why did I have to see so much suffering at such a young age? Why have I never had one male leader stick around? Why did the mother of my children betray our family and our vows? Why do people I care about the most act so selfishly?
I know what it is like to have so much pain stored inside that it eventually boils over and would seemingly explode out of my eyes and mouth with an intensity and scream so fierce its’ laser beam would annihilate any perceived enemy that stands. That scream with its powerful girgle and gargle of frequency and decibel is simply translated as: “I hate all the pain in my life!”
The thing is: I don’t wear my pain. I’m actually a very respectful and loving guy, if my judgment of myself is fair. I’m not the type to lash out in anger. I don’t hate people, generally, or excessively curse or swear. I’m rarely sarcastic. My point is, you nor I would have known that I had any anger at all. Anger is the result of pain, displeasure, annoyance and/or hostility beyond tolerance.
What I have found is, all that pain that had been stored and collected for years and years is based in one strong emotion: fear. Fear of not being worthy of connection. Fear of being unloved and unlovable. Fear of being hurt and/or let down over and over again. Fear that I’m not good enough.
This negative anger keeps me pointing the finger at everyone else and the mistakes they’ve made and how they’ve let me down. Ultimately, from that perspective, it is all about me and how others could and should serve me better. Negative anger is a very sick form of self centeredness no matter what the other person did or failed to do.
Humans are frail and inconsistent, and incapable of knowing every nuance and subtle requirement my own frailty, inconsistency and incapability may have. We are all simply doing the best we can to relate to one another and ourselves.
Anger and any other negative emotion falls under the giant umbrella of fear. Fear is the antithesis of love. Yes, I once could scream out, at and for all the pain in my life, but I found freedom from all of it. I’m still human though – frail, inconsistent and in capable of knowing everything. But every time I go through the process of walking the path to freedom from whatever unknowable circumstances and situations that wounds me again, I am less afraid, less frail. I am more courageous and stronger through the process. I learn to be more consistent and understanding of myself and others.
I believe, from experience, that love, identity and forgiveness are what pave the way for freedom from anger. What is love? What is identity? What is forgiveness?
In the next short season of sharing with you, I hope to explore these questions out of my own experiences and maybe those of others in social research. Let’s explore ourselves in this way and be able to tell our stories. Let’s dare to live on purpose vs. walking blindly in ignorance of why we do what we do, feel the way we feel and who we truly are.